Tale of Two

I’ve had this idea I’ve wanted to write for a long time. Meshing my problems with photos, I was waiting for the right shot to help explain the issue. Visiting the Fushimi Inari Shrine brought everything together.

These pictures signify a problem I’ve been dealing with for years. I’ve felt like there were two versions of me. One was who I am. The other, who I desired to be. Like a ghost player I can never catch, a faster, more intelligent version of myself was always running ahead of me. It’s a race, and no matter what I do, no matter how fast I go, this ghost is always one step out of my reach.

Seeing this character outdo me makes me strive harder. I do whatever it takes to shrink the gap. Work harder, longer, faster. Be more dedicated, focused, driven, and never rest. Do this and I can be great.

I’m so close, I can feel his energy. I can almost align our steps, just a little longer on the redline..

And then I start slipping.

I’m running out of gas. I can barely see his outline now. On the horizon, I see him speeding along never missing a step. I get further and further behind. Desperation, disappointment, failure all set in. I stop running. I lie in misery. All that hard work and I feel underachieved; depression.

What began as a model for success became an obsession then addiction. I sacrificed in order to obtain, but my hunger never settled. I could never be as great as I dreamed. I had built an unattainable goal that only made me feel inadequate rather than whole and fulfilled.

It took a while, but a realization came to me. I found the only way to catch this ghost was to no longer chase them.

Feeling the need to be great came from insecurities and perfectionism rather than aspiration. The person I wanted to be all along was me. To be that person, he didn’t need to chase anything. He just needed to accept who he was and what he could do.

And then the race just disappeared.

Since then, I took my first step forward. One body, one heart, one mind, all in unison. Together, we are exactly who I dreamed of being. I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be. No race, no chase.

Just me, right here, right now.

Keegan fucking Kim, pleasure to meet you.