Hard Feelings
When I look at this photo of myself, I see a testament to who I am. I see who I have been, and also who I can be.
I see so much strength, and passion. This guy cares, a lot. He’s trying, not always perfectly, but he’s trying nevertheless.
He used to be something else. He used too be to scared to approach the world, too distracted to accomplish, too obsessed with ideas rather than feelings.
Originally, I wrote this piece about how fucked up I was here. Everything looks great on the outside but I know it was all scrambled on the inside. Those essays talked about how I was dumb and how I shouldn’t be so dumb, but now I have new take.
It’s okay. It’s all okay.
At this point, I’m not even talking to you, but to me. I’m usually so hard on myself. I give myself the shittiest parts of perfectionism to live up to making most my efforts seem worthless, but you know what? I’m okay with that. Right here, right now. I forgive this guy. I forgive all his past debt. I know he wants good, and that he tried his best. He will find it because he cares, and because he is still out there fighting for it.
All my past, all my future, it’s all me. It’s all a part. I don’t want to deny what I’ve done, what I felt, what I will feel. I want to own it, to be okay with it. To accept my pain is to release my judgment of it.
Remember that idea of strength? This photo makes me feel powerful, but also emotional. All that physical strength on the outside is only a reflection of who I am on the inside. I’m a lover, and a fighter. I feel so strongly that my only way to express this fire is to write about it. For you, for me.
This is the fight. For my love, for my heart, for the world, I lay it all on the line to feel real, to feel accepted, to feel love in return because a closed book helps no one.
That’s all I can ask of this guy, of myself, of whoever I become next. I hope he remembers that in the moment, or for next time. As long as you keep trying, keep believing, everything will be okay.
I’m proud of you. I believe in you. Even on your darkest days, you still showed up.
Keep believing in yourself and you will never fail.
Bon courage.